WHAT AM I HOLDING ONTO ? it’s my life and I’m going to live it . . .

I just want to thank the person who recommended this book to me and I highly recommend it to others. I am now on the 11th page and I already have goose bumps! In the book the author discusses how a particular women felt as she felt she always had “to be broken.” Many, including myself can relate . . . If you keep yourself wounded and damaged, you will be loved . . . I have already mentioned in earlier blogs that I am scared if I lose the weight, the people who love me now, may not love me anymore??? As I read on she talks about”resistance to the pain can be worse than the pain . . . ” “It’s like saying goodness is not just for everyone, it is for me . . .” for some reason, this made me remember a moment in my childhood. When I was younger, after my mom got sick. I remember a conversation my dad had with someone, not sure who. My dad had mentioned that my mom made a comment about things going “too good” and that she felt like something was going to happen. She ended up with a terminal illness.( I am in tears as I type because I miss her soooo much I can’t stand it!!!xoxoxox.) I, several times over the years would remember this particular conversation. I remember telling my sister-in-law years ago that I sometimes would pick a fight with my husband just so things wouldn’t be “too good.” I was afraid of things being “too good.” She just laughed as did I. Is it possible that maybe deep down inside I found an easier way to keep things from being “too good” which technically only affects me personally? (my weight?) Hmmmm . . . If I always have this weight “problem,” things will never be “too good” and therefore nothing “bad” will happen. Maybe subconsciously keeping this weight on will keep my family from having to deal with what I  had to as a child because things were “going too good” ????? WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD, BAD THINGS HAPPEN????? WOW!! Could it even be possible? Of course I know that isn’t the way life works, (“knock on wood”) but as silly as it sounds – it makes so much sense! Now, how do I change it? I was always aware that people who over eat were eating because of unresolved issues from their past. I thought I was different. What could I possibly have in my past that could be affecting me now? I made peace with my past, my past made me who I am today and I regret nothing. Why would something from my past make me want to eat? What am I holding onto? This is going to be a long journey!!! Am I truly ready for the truth???

This is a blog I posted last year on my journey through the pounds. As I mentioned in a previous post I did not lose the 60 pounds as a matter of fact I gained 12. But I gained so much more than weight throughout that whole experience. Looking back at this I am amazed at my mind-set and thought process. I was very confused  about my weight and looking for any reason to explain it. I still remember those words that my dad spoke,  but have since realized that I am in control of how I think as well as the actions I take. And no matter if I am big or small, fighting or not fighting whats meant to be is meant to be regardless how hard I try to avoid it. So “Being broken” is no longer an excuse to not get healthy and make a change.

I am please and proud to be on this new journey. Looking back on my old journey makes me realize just how far I have come. I am looking forward to see where this new journey  takes me.  I will work on my health and hopefully I just might reach my goal by this time next year. So to get on with my new journey taking with me all I learned on my previous one.This truly is my life and I am going to live it . . .

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aimee
    Feb 02, 2012 @ 14:23:18

    This is a very powerful post. You have so much wonderfulness to live for. I hope that you will continue on with your journey toward good health because goal weight or not feeling good about yourself is an incredible feeling. I am just now learning how empowering it is to treat my body well. My journey will last a lifetime though there will come a day when the journey is no longer about my weight.

    You should be proud of your weight loss. You earned that feeling. You did the work. I wish continued success as you move ever closer to reaching your goals.

    Reply

  2. free2bme123
    Feb 02, 2012 @ 16:17:47

    Thank you very much Aimee, you are very inspiring. You are absolutely right, it is a lifetime journey and I too am looking forward the day when my journey isn’t about my weight 🙂

    I admire your ability to run as well and committed as you do. I hope I can get there some day!

    Reply

  3. Aimee
    Feb 04, 2012 @ 12:56:49

    You will get there. I used to say I would start running when I lost the weight. I am so glad that one day I disregarded that idea and started running despite the weight. I lost weight, about 10 pounds, slowly and naturally because of the running. The best part is that I developed a real love for running and being active. Running might not be your thing and that’s ok, but is there any activity you’ve been waiting to do until you get the weight off? Maybe reconsider and give it a try.

    Reply

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