OBSESSION . . . where I am today :)

“Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart shattering events.” Geneen Roth couldn’t have said it better. If I remember correctly I mention in my profile my weight gain going down hill following a car accident that my family and I were involved in where I immediately realized that “bad” things really can happen and we have no control over them unfortunately. Were things too good? I, to this day worry every time a family member leaves the house without me. (hence why I always have my family with me where ever I go?)My obsession with food and the guilt that goes with it is my escape from the every day worry over possible heart shattering events that are beyond my control. My focus immediately shifts from my worry and horrible thoughts of what could be to my obsession with food which is comforting and so much easier to deal with. When things are good, bad things happen, so eat to shift my focus from bad things happening to my obsession with food or do I eat to keep things from being”too good” so bad things won’t happen (“knock on wood”)??? Does that even make sense??? OMG!!! Am I on the right track or am I just grasping at straws?

This was one of my posts from a previous journey blog a few years ago. I look at this and realize just how confused I was back then. I have learned so much and come so far. Back then I was obsessed with food. I thought about food all the time. I worried I was eating too much, I worried if it was in the house. I would eat it, I felt bad when I did eat it. I made plans to change things over and over. Nothing ever changed. I had stacks and stacks of papers filled with different diets, exercises, recipes etc. I would change things up every two weeks, never sticking to one thing very long. I spent countless hours researching and planning, wondering if what I was doing was right, healthy. What if I got too skinny? Would people still like me?

My mind would not stop thinking about . . . what I was going to do tomorrow, what I was going to eat, what diet I would follow, how fat I was, how embarrassed I was. Never a minutes piece. If there was junk food in the house I would worry about worrying about eating it way before it was even in my mind to do so (if that even makes sense) and then it would literally eat me alive until I ate it! (no pun intended)And then the guilt set in and the vicious circle would start over again. It was enough to drive anyone crazy. food, weight,fat, not eating, diets you name it, it was on my mind 24/7.

How did I manage it? And all the while keeping it together so no one would know the demons I was carrying. The torment I was feeling, how over whelmed and scared I really was. No one to talk to about it because everyone thought I was “wonder woman”, you know the one who always had it together . . .   How could I show them different? What would they think if they knew the truth?  I couldn’t do that, so I continued for years feeling all overwhelmed and bottled up, waiting to explode.

Then I watched a movie called Julie Julia and in this movie Julie starts a blog (I didn’t even know what a blog was, never mind how to use one). She got such a response that  I thought how great it would be to be able to talk to people without them passing judgement on me. I didn’t know them and they didn’t know me, so I could be free to say how I felt. So I began a” Journey Through the Pounds” blog. It was through this blog that I started to figure out the many pieces to the puzzle that was me. Even though I didn’t have many followers because I really didn’t know how to get myself out there it was still therapeutic. I didn’t reach my goal of losing weight which was my intention when I started it, but I got so much more from it. Stuff I learned about myself was far more important than the weight I could have lost. So I am very thankful for that blog. I can say that it probably saved my life. It got me to the point in my life where I was confident enough to talk to my doctor about it and in turn he helped me find a solution that is working for me and I am also thankful for that.

Now, I am happy to say that as of today I am 33 pounds lighter, down 4 pants sizes, my cholesterol is leveled off and I feel great(“knock on wood”) 🙂 My husband of almost 22 years marriage (25 together) smiles every time he looks at me, he always did, but it is a different kind of look. My kids are proud of me and I couldn’t ask for more. I can only hope at this point that I don’t fall back into my old habits. So moving forward and thanks to all the bloggers who have encouraged me and given me great advice or simply taken the time to like a post. You will never know just how much I appreciate it. Don’t ever give up on me because I will not give up on you 😉

THANK YOU

xxx

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. clayer
    Jan 14, 2012 @ 15:52:24

    I really like your blog! Would love for us to follow each other in our journeys! I am chronicling 2012 with a photo a day and insight to follow.

    http://aphotoaday2012.com/

    Reply

  2. free2bme123
    Jan 14, 2012 @ 16:03:05

    Absolutely, thanks for popping by and good luck with your journey. Cant wait to read more!

    Reply

  3. Aimee
    Jan 15, 2012 @ 15:55:32

    This is such a well written post about a subject that I can truly relate to. The end had me tearing up. I’m so happy that you are feeling good about yourself. That’s the most important thing. I had an experience this weekend when I wore a new dress, just a simple inexpensive H&M black wrap dress, and my husband was absolutely blown away. I have to admit I was a little shocked at the person in the mirror as well. It’s taken me a long time to feel good about my body. It’s a work in progress, but I will get there and so will you!!!

    Reply

  4. free2bme123
    Jan 15, 2012 @ 18:37:40

    Thank you for those kind words. I am very happy for you and the progress you have made . . . keep it up!

    Reply

  5. imgirltuesday
    Jan 27, 2012 @ 16:50:14

    Great blog, I can relate to a lot of what you said. Glad you’re doing so well 🙂 x

    Reply

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